For a whole week the word “abandonment” had triggered some of my repressed feelings that I thought I’ve gotten over. I could never understand how it affected me so much until another person said they felt abandoned by me. It really had put me in a different perspective in regards to thinking about my conduct.
I honestly thought I had gotten over the fact that I wasn’t raised by mother and came to terms with it. But until that word “abandonment” had triggered some repressed feelings and memories, I really had to dig deeper into those repressed feelings and memories. All because I wanted to get to the bottom of all that I was going through. I thought I was free and could be myself. I thought I let all my pain and hurt out, but no I was wrong. I realized that I was still hurting from my mom abandoning me as well as those who came with promises but never kept them. Although it will be a year this month since my mother has been deceased, I decided to write her a letter of how I felt. However I forgave myself for being angry when I didn’t even know it or even refused to acknowledge it. I was too busy painting that picture that my life was good. It’s my defense mechanism to keep people from getting close to me. I have that much guard over my heart.
After talking with my Aunt and cousin about abandonment and how it affected me a great deal. They encouraged me to talk to my children about my story of what I’ve been through growing up. I’ve thought about it but just didn’t know where to start. However I knew they deserve to hear my story before I release my book telling my story.
I cooked a big dinner for my children and we all sat at the dinner table together as a family. They were happy that I was at the table with them. It was something that I have not done in a long time. I would just cook dinner then go do my own little things. But today marked a new day to do something different for the sake of my children. Apologizing to my children for my conduct was the first thing I did. They were innocent and they didn’t deserve to feel emotionally and mentally neglected by me. It was the reason why the household was so dysfunctional and I couldn’t see why. But I realized it was all because of me. So in order for my children to understand me I had to tell my story to my children detailing every single event from my parents, foster life, their father, to the present. They listened intently as I poured my heart out of all the hurt, pain, and anger I held in. I explained to them the importance of family and staying together if anything was to happen to me. I went on to explain that I did not want them to be divided like my mother’s siblings and my siblings. I was determined to break this generational curse. It ended with me and I refused for it to pass down to my children.
After telling my story I asked each of them what they learned and what they should do moving forward. I had some amazing responses from them. Such responses of why I wouldn’t let them go to strangers’s house due to my past history of molestation as well as when my mother was kidnapped. No more name calling towards each other due to I being bullied during my whole childhood growing up. Lastly, to be obedient and respectful towards me because they realized that Mommy is doing all that she can by herself with any help. I must say there was a shift in the atmosphere like a burden has been uplifted. It reminded me of the movie “Nanny McPhee”. I love that movie so much and I’m going to watch it tonight. 😊 For the first time my eldest son gave me a hug and said “I love you”. I was blown away like wow he now understands. I then hugged the rest of my children and told them I love them all the same and to please tell me if they ever feel neglected, abandoned, or hurt by me. I’m very happy to have tackle this big chunk of what was holding me back. I don’t want my children carrying that anger, hurt, and pain with them through adulthood.
Parents really need to take the time to talk with their children. Its the reason why so many youths are lost in the streets, getting in trouble with the law and so forth because there isn’t anyone to listen to how they feel. They shouldn’t have to find love else where. They should receive it at home from their parents. You can’t listen to all these other parents about what you should do with your children and how you should run your household because they don’t know what your children are going through. They only know what goes on in the house based of what you told them. Be careful who you receive advice and feedback from because what may work for them may not work for you. Lastly take a look at their children, if they are respectful towards them, their relationship, and so forth.
It’s very important that your children know your history so they can understand you and the things you do. Once you tell your children your story, make sure you keep talking with them at the dinner table daily. You would be amazed at what topic will come up at the table. I’m excited to talk with my children at the dinner table tonight. Although I won’t be eating because I’m on the water fast, I will just be drinking my water.
Today I’m on Day 9 of the water fast. I feel so good. I have my vitamins and fruit in the morning. I have a bottle of water through out the day while eating nuts in between. I was going to do my water fast for two weeks, but I think I want to go a month. It can be done, it’s all a mind set. You have to discipline yourself and ask yourself how bad do you want it. And speaking of that I had to ask myself should I take my licensure exam again to be a Licensed Social Worker. 🤔 I’ve taken it a couple of times and failed by a few points. I wasn’t focus then and really didn’t care too much for it. Now I’m debating, but I have to ask myself how bad do I want it and if I was willing to put in the work to study like never before! We will see!! Maybe my children will help me study! I should bring that topic up at the dinner table when it’s my turn to talk. Have a productive day all!! Remember the truth sets you free and I feel free!!