Good morning my Loves!
How are you this morning? It’s a great feeling to be given another chance to make a difference in this world and to leave your footprints 👣. Many thanks to the High Power for waking my family and I up this morning and keeping us safe daily.
The title; “Do You Know Who You Are?”, was created so that one can challenge themselves. I actually thought I knew who I was, but I was still struggling with some things of why I kept repeating this cycle of disappearing acts. It wasn’t until yesterday when I went to a local foster care agency to review my records of when I used to be in foster care. Although the records were from 1995, I needed to dig deep in my childhood to figure out why I do the things I do now.
I sat in the agency community room for three hours straight reviewing my records. It was like reading a book. I had mixed emotions running through me that I needed to sort through. I noticed that “Kamil” myself went through a lot of trauma and was grieving. My disappearing acts were my defense mechanism to keep myself from getting hurt. I’ve been hurt enough from broken promises and the intense losses I’ve suffered such as losing my family origin, mother’s parental rights terminated right after the passing of my grandmother.
I honestly have to say that I wanted to cry for “little Kamil” while reading those documents but I couldn’t! Not right in front of the lady who was supervising me as I read through my documents. She wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be in foster care. Also I didn’t want to mess it up for other former foster youths who may come forward to FOIL their foster care records. But trust me I cried when I got home. I wished I could hold “little Kamil” and tell her everything will get better, but she’s grown. So what I did was write to her in a journal. I tried that counseling services a few months ago, it didn’t work out because the counselor was not capable of counseling a social worker as myself. I need to find a good counselor who would be comfortable in counseling a social worker, hopefully one day soon.
After reading those records I now understood why I did the things I did. I’m not a bad person at all, just badly bruised from the trauma I’ve endured. Anyhow this is the first step towards healing for myself. I’m still processing the information. At least I have a sense of who I am. There is no more hiding behind confusion.
I share this with you all, because you may be struggling with something or trying to figure out why you’re acting the way you are. Maybe you have some repressed memories that you haven’t dealt with. Try to find some clarity and get some closure if you can. Researched any old records either from school, counselor office, etc or from family members/ childhood friends. Do what you have to but keep an open mind to anything you may find out that you never knew. I can’t say be prepared because this is not something you can be prepared for just like an unexpected death.
Whatever information you receive take your time to process it. It’s not something you can process overnight. It may take days, weeks, or months. Trust me you will get through it maybe not the way you want to but you’ll get through it. Until next time stay encouraged loves and continue to work through you.