Encouragement, Faith, Reflection

Emotional Roller Coaster

Hi Loves,

How are you feeling? How is your Monday going? How’s the weather in your town? Have you been living your best life? I hope you are feeling amazing and striving for better in your life. Hope your Monday has been unexpected with good surprises or a day full of lessons. Lastly hopefully Mother Nature is being nice bringing sunshine.

I feel good now than I was earlier dealing with an emotional roller coaster. My Monday has been amazing and full of surprises. It’s a sign to me from the Lord that everything will be okay. I can feel I’m on my way to success as I continue to put in the work.

The self-care book I’ve been writing is coming along good and it’s been therapy for me as I’m going through my own journey. I’ve always been loyal to anyone who comes into my life. Because I’m a helper by nature, I never want to see anyone struggling to get their needs met. I feel like if I could make something happen to make their life worth living then I will go out my way to make sure their needs are met. I always feel good after uplifting someone else’s burden because I know first hand what it’s like to struggle and have limited support. I also noticed that the more I help people the more I don’t regret what I went through in my life because it was all preparation for me to be able to share my story and help the next person.

I’m going to go a little deeper in my life about loyalty. I’ve been in an 8 year relationship with a man who is my youngest daughter’s father. He is currently incarcerated in another state. He’s a good man no doubt and comes through for me financially or whenever I need a babysitter for his daughter from his family whenever he can.

I met him while he was incarcerated. I was determined to help him fight his case in which he was sentenced to 20 years of prison time instead of 10 years. He took the wrap for someone else, street code not to snitch on anyone. Eventually he learned the hard way in which he thought people would look out for him while he was incarcerated. He was forgotten and left behind. People always had an excuse of why they couldn’t see him, write him, send him any money or talk to him on the phone. I honestly felt bad for him and I knew first hand what it felt to be neglected by your own family because of my own experience going into the foster care system.

He was the first real relationship I’ve ever been in. I never wanted to get close to him because I had my own issues to deal with. But yet he wanted to help me heal and deal with my issues of brokenness. Anyhow these eight years when we’ve been together, we’ve helped each other and had stand the test of times. The last two years has been difficult for us both from the baby being born, the passing of my mom, him having a heart attack, the passing of my children’s father, moved to another state and so much more. During the course of the two years I questioned my loyalty because I was ready to walk away. We weren’t affectionate towards each other among other factors. I wasn’t getting the emotional support that I needed. I was tired of making sacrifices that didn’t benefit me or my children. I felt like the relationship has ran its course no matter how much he told me that he misses and love me.

I know my worth and I refused for anyone to take advantage of my time. I know I deserve the desires of my heart. I deserve to be happy beyond my wildest dreams even thou my children bring sunshine to me. I live for them to teach them how to care for themselves because I may not always be here. I would walk at places alone only to see couples hugging each other, holding hands, kissing one another or a woman being proposed to. The scene would be so beautiful that I always wished what it would be like to experience that. I’ve never been proposed to despite the fact I’ve been married twice and divorced twice. I played a part in my heartaches because I didn’t wait. I was too busy creating my fairytale life that I wanted because I’ve been through so much in my childhood. I just wanted to give myself what I always wanted which was to be married, raise my children in a two parent household, to be loved, work beside my partner. That’s not too much to ask. I don’t care about the material things at all. I don’t care about the money at all.

Anyhow, I’m not perfect but I’ve gave all I’ve got in both marriages. Both marriages I felt like I didn’t have a man. I didn’t give myself time to heal from my first divorce. I just jumped right into a marriage a year later. It was not the way to go, but what do you expect when you lonely and wanted to get over your ex-husband who abused you? I don’t regret at all how my life was on hold. They were all lessons for me to learn. I learned some hard and painful lessons but all that matters is what I got from it and how it played a part in I becoming the person I needed to be.

Often times we are placed into people’s lives for a reason. And we may not know that reason until after all is said and done. Loyalty is rare to find and I know I won’t find many people with that same characteristics as I because now a days people are looking for some one to take care of them. That’s why it’s important to be true and loyal to yourself as well as to love yourself. Be selfish with your time, because you got things to accomplish in this lifetime.

Today I’ve been listening to Vivan Green “Emotional Roller Coaster” and Jagged Edge “Girl It’s Over” on repeat because I had walked away from an 8 year relationship. Loving him was never good for me, but I’m grateful for our daughter. I know he sensed I was walking away because when he calls, he’s always asking me how is I’m really feeling. I’ve explained to him we have to tend to our own situations on our own. I’m a friend to him but I won’t be able to do for him like I used to because it doesn’t benefit my children and I. I hope we can co-parent for the sake of our daughter and for him not to become bitter like my ex-husband did when I divorced him.

Now that I’ve made my decision without questioning if I’m being loyal or not. The truth of the matter is I’ve been loyal and gave my all. I’m just being selfish with me and putting my happiness first. I’m going into 2019 continuing to feel good about myself as well as embracing the woman I’m becoming. I’m not at all afraid to start over and rebuild my life while I have the opportunity. With that being said I’m exactly where I’m at…in a new state living my new life full of blessings left and right. I won’t give up on love but I’m not looking for a relationship. Relationship just may come after I’ve been with myself for 8yrs without I claiming anyone or anyone claiming me. I have some making up with myself to do! I’m loving every piece of me!

Always be true to yourself! Stop trying to create your own fairytale life because of what you’ve been through. Let God design your fairytale life. Trust and believe that He will give you the desires of your heart. So in the meantime love yourself dearly and treat yourself out to a nice restaurant and/or trip. Better yet throw yourself a party.

Until next time stay encouraged, uplifted, and of sound mind. Be sexy and handsome on purpose. Feel good on purpose just for yourself. Notice and compliment yourself!

Kamil

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