Encouragement, Faith, Family, Mothering, Reflection

Dear Diary

Good Morning Loves,

How are you this morning? How have your week started off? Has anything new occurred since the last post? I hope you are energized this morning. I hope your week had started off on a good note. Since the last post, I hope you’ve had some awesome days.

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As for me, my morning started off with reading the Bible and saying a little prayer. I prayed for a productive day today. My week didn’t start off on a good note, because I’m still trying to figure out how can I get my son to focus on doing his homework. I know I’m not alone in this matter. I’m pretty sure many of you could relate when your pre-teen does not want to do homework let alone wants your assistance. I find myself becoming frustrated when he won’t allow me to help him. We would end up in a power struggle and I hate it very much.

Often times I would give up, because I don’t have the energy to set clear boundaries when it comes to doing homework. My other children weren’t like this. They know I take homework as well as any school work very seriously. But my son on the other hand is my difficult child. I know he’s experiencing a lot of transitions from different schools, friends, new state, the passing of his father, first holidays without his father, etc. I noticed when I talk to him, the only thing that comes out of his mouth is negative. No matter how many times I tell him he needs to stop talking and thinking negative and the need to replace it with positive energy, thoughts, etc. But I also noticed he’s depressed about the passing of his father.

When his father had died this year in Jan, he didn’t talk about his dad at all. Now that it’s about to be a year next month since the passing of his dad, I honestly believe it’s hitting him. I’ve never seen so much crying spells coming from him and him being so down. I’ve got him in counseling, support groups, and it seems like nothing is helping despite a huge support in the community to help him get through this phase. It seems like the weeks are just getting worse as they go by. I even talked to the school Assistant Principal about just taking him out of school for the remainder of the school season to focus on him getting through this phase. I was willing to put everything on hold to home-school my son in a pace he’s going on top of him dealing with the emotions. I love my son no doubt because he is a part of me.

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I’ve been talking to God about how I feel in regards to life in general. Of course I’ve questioned Him about why so many challenges are happening in one time. I used to love challenges, because they motivated me to accomplish it. But the challenges that has occurred over the past few weeks has left me grief stricken that I haven’t been able to focus on projects. I would have unnecessary arguments with myself about whether I need to buy a bottle of wine or not just to calm my nerves. I do admit that I’m so stressed, but this too shall pass.

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I have been asking myself what lesson is I’m gaining from this teaching moment in my life. I read the Bible daily hoping that answers would be revealed to me, but instead it was just more wisdom for me to gain to apply to my life. Wisdom alone is a gift itself, but Lord I need some patience and strength to be able to handle the challenges of life. I know this is just a phase I’m going through, and I just want to know what is the lesson I’m being taught. Have you ever asked yourself what is the purpose of you going through a particular moment in your life that is difficult on top of experiencing insurmountable blessings left and right? I’m just trying to understand how is I’m going through a difficult period in my life on top of my cup overflowing with blessings. How is that even possible? But yet I’m still keeping a positive attitude with a smile on my face even though I have this feeling like I feel stuck. The question is…..”Where am I stuck at?” Obviously no where it’s just a mentality in which the enemy is plotting in my mind to tell me I can’t do this and that. Of course I rebuke it, but I’m at a standstill to observe. I noticed when I observe life, I don’t touch any of my projects because I don’t want to do my projects based on my emotions that I’m feeling at the moment. Often times people would say to use whatever you’re going through at the moment as fuel for motivation. But the question is “Motivation for What?” We have to be careful of the things we say, because if your moment is negative depending on your mind frame at that moment, motivation could be used for negative energy like for revenge or for a positive energy to turn the situation around. We should say that the things we’re experiencing should be a teachable moment for ourselves and to ask ourselves what we could have done differently to have a different outcome. We may still have that opportunity to have a different outcome if the opportunity presents itself.

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I leave this message with you all that you are not alone in your struggles. No one is perfect and it’s not worth trying to paint a perfect life. That’s doing unnecessary double work on yourself. I encourage you all to write and you can start the title off with “Dear Diary” or anything that is comfortable to you. I have so many diaries and journals. My title has ranged from “Dear Diary, Dear Father (Lord), Dear Mom” and so forth. I’ve been journaling for so long since my pre-teen years and I still have my journals. I read them from time to time just to be reminded that God has carried me through each phases of my life. So I know He will carry my children and I through this phase, but it’s a lesson we must be taught during the phase to make us stronger and wiser. Yes, we may experience different emotions and that’s okay because we are human. What’s important is that we allow ourselves to experience the emotions and how it made us feel. So the next time we experience that particular emotion, we would know what to do to get through it in a healthy way.

As always stay encouraged and be of sound mind. Stay positive as much as you can. Read the post, “Holiday Self-Care” as a reminder to help you through the holidays.

Love,

Kamil

 

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2 thoughts on “Dear Diary”

  1. Kamil, I will be praying for both you and your son. Loss is hard enough for adults to deal with let alone kids. Hold onto God, don’t let go. Continue to praise Him on a daily basis and your faith will hold you up. Find three things to be thankful for each day, that helps me stay in a spirit of gratitude. I am sure you know these things. But felt led to share.
    Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

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